The last few weeks have been, out of this world kind of intense I guess. I’ve been going through, and also putting myself through the deepest kind of… hell? I’m not sure. I can’t even describe what’s been going on. But I guess that’s life, there’s always going to be something that’s going on or that’s not quite perfect. But this, is or was, something massive. I can’t even get my head around it. I hope as time goes by that it gets easier. And people can tell me to not worry or be sad about something I can no longer change, but it doesn’t stop me thinking and over-analyzing it all. I wish there was some kind of way to let all this go, all these thoughts, self-blame, wishing I’d found out something that turned out to be soooo important sooner rather than later and this fear, this fear is crippling. I just want a piece of happiness. Studying and friends is what used to be my happiness. But now things are changing and I don’t have anything to cling on to anymore. I just feel in limbo of it all. I’m in this place away from everyone I’ve known for longer than 6 months. I just want to be surrounded by friends right now, people who really know me, I don’t want to be alone. And I am honestly so sick to death of writing university assignments. I just want to be out there, working and earning money, and feeling important to someone. My life goals are changing but I am just stuck here studying for another year and a half. I’ve been at school for 23 straight years now. Who even am I when I am not a student? I feel like I am complaining over nothing, I know things could be a lot worse, and I am really lucky in a lot of ways too. But I just want things to be different. I’m ready for life to change in big ways but uni seems to be the one thing that’s holding me back, time and time again. And this is something even more massive, that uni has taken precedence, again. Something I have never thought I would ever have to face, and my head is just spinning trying to make sense of it all. What could I possibly learn from this? What ever could be good as a result of this? How could I ever see this as a good thing? Rather than a horrible thing that happened. Ahh. I know I’ve just got to hold on and keep strong, I’ve come wayyy too far to give up now. I’m hoping that writing this down can help me to conceptualize my thoughts a little bit. But I guess for now all I can do is hold my breath, for the next year and a half, and hope it goes so quickly. As well as trying to let go of a dream I had that came true, and then was just gone, in the space of a few minutes.
I feel like I could just write and write forever and nothing will get resolved ? I just want to put this past me, right now, so I can stop tormenting myself over it. But I really think the only thing that can do that is time?
I hope that things will work out, I feel like I need a worlds worth of patience right now to get me through this.