"A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life"
— Charles Darwin
The book she lent me.
I don’t really know whether she meant it.
Or if it was purely accidental.
But it was perfect in every single way, it was me a million times over.
Maybe it was us both.
To me, it signified the most poetic, beautiful, & perfect ending. Of the past 4 years.
I know in my heart I’ll always love her.
With everything I ever had.
& There are things I’ll keep close to my heart, secrets & memories we shared that I will never forget.
But I feel at a complete understanding now.
That I may never see her again.
That the chaos that surrounded us was maybe too much for us both to handle. That you can’t always have everything that you want, or need.
Maybe this, this book, was the closure I needed.
As I slowly begin to let go of the lingering hope…
"Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are."
— Markus Zusak, ‘The Book thief’
Sometimes we realize we’ve learnt the most significant lessons too late. And what do we do then? When we cannot build a time machine, we cannot change everything. Yet we deal with the consequences of those mistakes for perhaps our whole lives? Do we make the most out of what is left? What if you realize your completely fucked. And there are no pieces left to put back together.
I hide behind my false mask of hope. My heart stops while I wait, and I wait….
I feel like I’ve disappeared from the world. Repeatedly applying for numerous honors courses, filling out pages after pages, explaining why they should choose me out of all of their 934990 applicants. It’s near impossible that I will even get in. Seems all so, pointless. And what if I don’t get in?
I guess I have other plans…..
Deep down I know the reasons why I have shut down any possibilities of any sort of relationship with anyone at this point in time. It’s all inter-connected. I feel like every body in the entire world is at a safe distance right now. Nobody can get too close. I guess I’ve shut down, an important part of me. Put up a thousand walls. No one can touch me, no one can hurt me, I can’t hurt anyone either. Nothing.
It’s an empty place where I am right now. Everyone on the outside can only see a smiling, happy face. They will never know exactly what’s going on. They can see me the exact way I want to be seen; Strong, Happy, Intelligent, Brave..
Maybe I even am all of these things. But it’s all in the hands of Destiny. Sometimes there really are things you just can’t choose…
Feeling pretty good about today. Woke up at 9am, went and got internet credit, spoke to my awesome! American friend,went and had lunch with my best friend, had a really great chat. Came home, studied with my housemates for a few hours. Went off to martial arts with them!! It was amazing! Had dinner together and did some shopping, excellent housemate bonding. came home and now getting hardcore into the study for a few hours :)
Decided to exercise as often as I possibly can from now on, I’m going off my medication, so exercise will increase the levels of serotonin in my brain and balance it all back out a bit :)
Really excited and happy today. It’s going to be a rollercoaster. But at least I know I’m in control, mostly.